It sucks to admit you have failed
when one is a perfectionist it is even worse
when one is a clergy person and the failure is 20 years of marriage
the pain can be almost unbearable
but the greater pain is stuffing it down
holding it in
pretending
like you are still in love
like nothing is wrong
like your family is the perfect family
except it’s not
and you know
and you suspect that others know
even though you hide it so fucking well
But,
then you are sick of holding it in
sick of lying
sick of pretending, putting on false pretenses
and you finally talk
and you cry
because 20 years is a long time
and this is sure to fuck up your kids
the kids you loved too much and ruined your marraige over in the first place
and everything becomes a last
and there is a certain freedom in making the decision
in letting go
in being real
So…
the future looks bleak
and bright
hopeless
and hopeful
freedom & pain
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