Sunday, November 29, 2009

Change has been on my mind

I am thinking out loud. Ever since I moved here I have been pondering what direction I would like my life to go. I’m not sure what the answer is.

What I like: Adirondacks, a shelter from the elements, a place to exist, garden, food storage, more money coming in

What I don’t like: small LDS branch, health care, living inside, apartment dramas, not traveling

Sometimes my life seems too monotone. The bulk of my time is spent in my bedroom….either sitting in my favorite chair or in bed. That gets too comfortable, too boring. I have spent the last year building up material security. I do not have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I have clothes for the seasons. I have a fixed address so I can access health care and benefits. OK…so why am I so restless? Why am I getting that itch to do something different?

Part of my problem is that I like challenges. I like having something new to learn or to overcome. Once I get good at a skill, it’s not much fun any more. Whenever I felt like I knew how to do most of a job or a craft or whatever, I was ready to do something else. Homesteading and farming had the ability to engage me for years as there were sooooo many things to learn and do.

I’m REALLY tired of being sick. If there were one thing I would like to walk away from and never look back, it would be physical sickness.

I feel like I need to be more involved with people and places. My biggest gateway to the world is my computer. This laptop is getting old. The keyboard markings are starting to rub off. What will happen to me when the laptop dies? I will be alone in my room.

Somehow I need to throw off the old me and find a new skin….like a hermit crab.

The biggest hole in my life is living apart from my daughter. I miss her. She left three messages on the answering machine this week and I have not called back. I desperately want to talk to her…but not on the phone. I hate telephones.

Sigh….I am a spoiled brat….I don’t know what I want, I just know I need some change….

 

 

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