moving on… it has been 3 years in this place… i thought i’d spend a far longer time here… but turns out my body just cannot go along with this plan…
yesterday was ok, i managed to escape the mild fever that sets in whenever i go out these days… i just came home exhausted, and when that happens i tend to eat too much… i hv to learn to regulate the eating… i hv a small frame, it won’t do to tax it with too much blubber… not to mention how ghastly it looks – a fat skinny girl? ugh!
i hate having to attend to admin details… gotta do some shit today for someone… i hope this wld be the end of it… oh no, not quite, cos when i am done with this place, the whole cycle will begin again, the admin of selling the place etc …
i m so pressed for time… i just wish i cld concentrate fully on my work, which i love and that is what i came here to do anyway… oh well, life aint perfect…
foggy day again, it’s so damp… rheumatic all day from the damp… i have the dehumidifier on all day… but it is noisy… ok ok ok time to get out of this place yes for sure… each time i feel uncertain, my body reminds me loud and clear…
as for pixie… u know, if u genuinely care for someone, that person always remains inside ur heart… and so he is there… but as with all other things in my life right now, i m moving on… i wish him well, if he is happy with that shallow idea of what love is, then well and good, for that is what i want for those i care about, that they find their measure of happiness… but the shallow pools will never be enough for me… i cannot say “i love u” to a fantasy effigy of my own creation and then change my mind when it turns out to be less than the perfect form i wanted it to be… i still care for the blue frog too… cos for me, love, in whatever way – friendship, family, lover – is something far deeper, embracing, accepting of all things, giving and persevering thru imperfections and tough situations… but i hv learnt a very valuable lesson – it took me a few encounters but that’s ok, cos i m autistic and it takes longer i guess – that ppl who utter words in haste seldom ever mean to follow thru… i hv very immediate feelings, but when i say something, i mean to follow thru… that is NOT the norm for other people and it wld do me good to remember that… 
finding balance and moving on… that will be what i need to do in this part of my journey… and embracing life with the same passion i was born to do…
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