pain… one never does get used to it, does one? no matter who, what, where, there will be humans crying out in pain of all kinds… so yes, pixie, i am “just like everyone else”… words haunt me, they ring inside my head with loud audible tones, and i m still trying to process ur many contradictory words, even tho u r no longer with me, and even tho in my intellect, i do understand and i do not harbour blame or bitterness… u r, after all, “just like everyone else” too…
there is a very strong ache and stiffness all over my right side… of course, the computer is to blame, poor inanimate machine that helps us do so much of our work nowadays, we attribute such ills to it… i m to blame, i spend far too much time in front of the screen, large as it may be, my eyes are now deteriorating, and my muscles wearing down… but i hv no choice at the moment, becos i chose to put myself in this position, i chose to do this project and now i must see it to the end and the best completion that i can muster.
scoring, video, photos, communication – all thru my trusty computer… take this away and i wld hv little of a life right now… but i long for the day when i wld use it less intensely… i long for the living where i can go out and do more with my hands and body… fresher air, better perspectives… when i can begin my other journey, of painting, making sculptures, teaching and inspiring others to develop their talents and stretching personal boundaries, bringing art and music into their everyday joys… and the computer wld just be my tool for writing my books and communicating… ah, my dreams, which i shall fiercely pursue and find ways to make happen…
but for now, it is cold, wet and foggy, i m shut up inside my cramped studio, chair and in front of the screen… i MUST finish this… pain and all… sore aching strained muscles, ulcers, arthritis, headache, vertigo, tinnitus, TMJ… still, i hv to do this for myself, becos i owe it to myself… and those who believe in me to believe in myself…
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