I’ve been through a lot in my lifetime. To be honest with you, I never really felt loved by my parents. My mother pretty much abandoned me for the other men in her life. My father abandoned me for drugs. Everyone in my family, and I do mean everyone, has tendencies to backstab and gossip about everyone else. Therefore, I’ve never really trusted anyone in my family. My brother. I trust him. That’s about it. I even fabricated a lie about my Grandfather. That lie has been following me for nearly five years now. While he was a good man, he was not what I make him out to be. I like to say that he was the only father I ever had (which I suppose is true to a degree). I like to say that he and I were close, talking about life, love, happiness. I like to say he gave me good advice and that I seeked him out for it every chance that I got. But none of that is really true. Yes, he was a good man, but no, I did not have the type of relationship that I portray to some people. To be honest, I’ve never had a man in my life that I could trust completely. And I blame it on the lack of a father in my young home. And yes, it has effected every relationship that I have ever been in. Every man in my past hurt me. OR did I only hurt myself??? I think that I just made bad choices. I went for the “bad guy”, I went for the “older guy”, I went for the “guy that I had nothing in common with”, I went for the “control freak” guy. My life with these men consisted of Drinking, drugging, cheating, lying, controlling, abusing. By the time I turned 34 I KNEW that I would never find true happiness with someone. Yet, I was still determined to try.
Finally, I found happiness. At 35, just 5 months before my 36th birthday. I found it when I wasn’t even looking for it. During that time, all I was concerned with was a divorce from my husband and a life of my own. A fresh start. I did get the fresh start, but I wasn’t alone for it. I found a wonderful person. I found a friend and a lover. I found someone that I could be relaxed around. Someone that made me laugh. Someone that wanted to spend time with me. Someone that believed in family and being true to ones self. Yet, five years later, I find myself confusing paranoia for intuition. Those old “demons” from my past just won’t let me be. How do I decipher these feelings? ? Yeah, I’m not as bad off as I used to be but I still have my days and I hate it. I truly do. Instead of taking that giant leap of faith and just “going for it”…… I suit up in my armor and protect myself from my fears. I get this mentality that says….Up yours! I’m going to hurt YOU before you will ever hurt ME! Yes, I remember the PAIN. I want to forget it, but it’s always there….simmering in my subconscious. Just when I feel free of it…….it rears its ugly head.
I think that pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.
I want to fly. My wings are ready. So, so ready.
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