I sometimes get the sneaky suspicion that all is not as it should be in my life. I think a lot of this comes from an unsettling disappointment I have about myself. Some of this disappointment is neurotic. Like when I want to impress someone with my intelligence and my words come out all jumbled up or I stutter.
Some of my disappointment is silly. I would love to always look like I just finished up with a GQ photo shoot, looking very charming and debonair.
Then there’s the deeper disappointment that I have a real tuff time with. When I look at my two sons as they play outside on their bikes and I think of the kind of father I want to be for them. I want to make lasting impression on them, so that when they look back on their childhood and they can remember a childhood that came straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. I want to make believe with them, making all their dreams come to life. I want to catch lighting bugs with them in the hot summer nights. I want to take long bike rides with them.
I look at them through the den window as I am on the computer doing schoolwork as they are riding their bikes and I’m reminded of how the day really went. I remember them fighting over who gets to be first on a Wii game and me telling them to be quite so that I can work, to busy to show them how to resolve a conflict. I remembered how stern I got with my youngest son, Nole, when he didn’t do exactly as I told him getting mad and making threats – just because I’m his father and I can. I remember the fear and hurt I saw in his eyes as lashed out at him. I remember instead of catching lighting bugs I hurried them inside to take a bath, so that I could have a moment to myself. I’m so disappointed in myself at times.
I’m also disappointed in myself not just as a father, but also as a husband, son, and friend at times. I know that my life was created for so much more than just being overwhelmed with work and school. I have a purpose in life; I have an opportunity to do something great with my life as we all do.
I am disappointed that I don’t love God more and willfully sin so much against him. I can get insanely jealous if someone I know succeeds more than I. I am disappointed at how petty and shallow I can be at times. I can lead people to believe that I have it all together and yet I feel like at times my world is falling apart.
These are just some of my disappointments. I have darker ones that I am too ashamed to admit, as I’m sure we all do. So why do so many others and I feel this way? Some may say it is a lack of self-esteem, this may be true in part – but as I get a little older and hopefully a little wiser, I believe it is a deeper problem. One that lurks deep within our soul, that we don’t like to admit, which is a failure to be the person God first called me to be.
I feel if I had always pursued God as my two boys pursue life, I would not feel such disappointment as I do. Although as an adult I have forgotten what it was like to dream big dreams as a child. I have forgotten what it is like to give God my all, as my boys do when they play. If I were to do that then I would be in a much better place as a father, husband, son, and friend. I would be more of the man that God first called me to be. So for all my disappointments I am glad my God is a God of second and third chances, so it is my prayer today that I would seize all the little opportunities He has given me to be the person He intended me to be.
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