I have never been one to be pulled in emotionally by films.
If you asked me what shaped my life I would probably say the way I see things, the way I see people and my past experiences. I would not name particular TV shows or films. If pushed I would name perhaps 2 films that I think may have affected me a bit but I would not have said a lot.
It takes a lot to stir me emotionally these days. Surrounded in a world I feel is dead against me where my chances are always working to hinder my progress rather than to help me progress. I deal with my emotions by locking myself in a room thinking. Listening to music, which evokes a similar feeling in me as the one I am feeling.
My desire to forget everything bad is one that I embrace with open arms. Ever since that day that I last saw my grandfather in hospital. My grandmother thinking I was too young tried to stop me from seeing him that day, my mother who has always been more open however let me in. As I stood there looking over him I felt something deep inside me. Sadly I cannot remember what he said. I think he may have said goodbye but that was it. After that came the funeral. I was completely lost emotionally I did not know what to feel I did not know right from wrong nor did I know how to react. I cried, I cried a lot. But in recent times I haven’t, recent being over 10 years. I can count all the occasions I have cried due to emotional turmoil on 2 hands. I remember them vividly. Those times when my hearts defences fall leaving me vulnerable. The times when I just sit there not knowing what to think, what to do, why to do what I am doing. I loose all faith.
From a religious standpoint I do not know what to think either. There may indeed be a being that is in some way connecting us all a God that is listening but letting us settle our own issues. I do not find consolation in this. Going to church makes me feel part of something, that is entirely true. But I don’t feel a presences, nothing consoles me. I pray sometimes. Normally when everything has already gone wrong, normally there is no chance to rectify the situation. In some way I pray when I have lost hope.
Sometimes I lie, I lie for various reasons, sometimes just to hide to truth but those truths are normally only covered by anecdotal lies, something which is so similar it may as well be the same thing just isn’t. perhaps places changes as well as names not to cover my or anyone else’s back but just so that I can say what I want to say without being overcome by emotion. Perhaps I feel that emotion is the one thing I cannot let through. I cannot show people that I am weak. I tell myself many times a day thing long similar lines. I am not weak I am the best I can do whatever I want. Never would I tell this to someone else. If you met me in the street I probably would see you look into you and look down, avoiding your gaze avoiding any contact. Although most people see this as a sign of weakness to me it is more a defensive mechanism. ‘ I do not want to be involved with you, I do not want to become more vulnerable.’
In complete contrast I have what I can only interpret as safe places, places I can go to where I can say, do, think, feel, or talk about anything I want. To me these places are safe both emotionally and physically. One place is a somewhere I refer to as the ‘view’ I go there probably about once a week. It is a 20-30 min drive from my house and unless it is summer the weather there is terrible. For some reason I feel that going there I will meet someone I can talk to. Not someone I want to have a relationship with, no just somewhere that I can talk to someone, tell my story. I have never done it but maybe one day it will happen.
I think I believe in fait. In some way some things have already been decided. The have already been chosen. Everything else is subject to change, but some things are going to happen no matter what.
I guess that would explain my inability to keep a stable relationship. One think that hit me hard was when an ex whom I still see told me that she hardly knew me. I find it hard to let people close to me see me as it were. Not in the physical sense, but emotionally. Perhaps I am being stupid but I don’t feel I can. Which is how I know that the person isn’t right for me. I can only truly give everything up to someone I truly trust. There are few people out there I do trust but those that I do, I think I would do anything for. I think I am not being over-ambiguous saying I would give my life for those people. They are people in whom I see a lot both a reflection of people I respect but the kind of emotion that most people are no longer capable of.
I guess at this stage anyone reading this thinks I am either completely off the rails or just plain lying. The Internet is full of people making bold claims but I have nothing other than my words to serve my story. What I write here is directly from my heart. I cannot give more than I am writing.
Which is odd, because all this was started be watching a film. Tonight I was watching Avatar, I have wanted to see it for some time, however only today did I manage to go and see it.
I feel that the film carried many many strong messages. From the point that sometimes the side of the fence we are standing on is indeed the wrong side, and that as great we all feel about our respective countries feel sometimes what we are doing is indeed not for the greater good. Something else that echoes that sentiment is the transition of the main character from human and ignorant to avatar and understanding. Our ability to learn is so special. Many animals possess it but none so much as us. We adapt we make things that most people would never have believed a mere 100 years ago let along 100000! This film almost shows the good in our species as well as the bad. We can at times be so destructive and sometimes we are so kind so giving wanting to help change something.
Another point this film makes is how much we have lost touch with the planet. I have always seen myself as ‘anti green’ but I think that this film has changed my perspective. I would not consider myself an eco warrior now, no that would be wrong. But I do feel I am more aware of what is going on around me.
So how does all this link to what I wrote earlier? Well emotion is what drives this film, and I think the film connected with me in more ways I even knew was possible. The emotional fight of the main character was one that I feel can be applied in many ways, to suit many different situations.
I sincerely hope that in one month, years, decades time I still feel as touched by this film as I do now, because, in all honesty, if I take away anything at all from this experience, it will change my life, and the way I look at it.
I am sure most people are now convinced I have lost it, but I guess the only person who really needs to believe this is me. I hope this gives me both the emotional strength and resolve I need to do just a few of the things I want to do so badly. Things that mean more to me than most people could ever imagine.
Sometimes, things really do work out and I am hoping, that maybe this is my turn.
I have not corrected the way this was written. I just sat down and wrote it. This is as raw as my emotion and therefore by editing it in any way I would feel as if I have in some way destroyed the actual feelings I wanted to protect in the first place.
